ArtSpoken & Reviews
Leon at the MoviesLeon van Nierop11/27/2009 06:23:39 
Leon van Nierop: See Old Dogs at your own peril and New Moon if you like to suffer and see hunky dudes take off their shirts. Old Dogs (Ster-Kinekor) Starring John Travolta, Robin Williams and Kelly Preston Directed by Walt Becker Slapstick comedy The distributors wouldn't have dared to release this lacklustre attempt at comedy at any other time but the silly season, as it won't stand a chance of making money at any other time. A further reason for its end of November release is to catch the overflow from the New Moon phenomenon who can't get into sold-out cinemas featuring that vampire-versus-werewolves romance. Old Dogs is an acute embarrassment. The jokes are as old as the actors, as naïve as a drunken master of ceremonies trying to liven up a boring wedding reception and as stale as cheap wine. It is incomprehensible that actors like John Travolta, Ann-Margaret (who still looks stunning) and Rita Wilson could lower themselves to these depths and actually participate in this attempt at comedy. The loud farting and improvised one-liners make it even more of an embarrassment to watch. It is so dreadful that one can only survive it with some kind of liquid refreshment as company. One actor who looks comfortable in this drowsy movie is Seth Green. One expects this kind of fatigued comedy from him. But the others? They look distinctly out of place and actually quite embarrassed. Are Hollywood's actors this hard-up for a job that they will accept this dire script? The movie literally begs the audience for a lost snigger or forlorn giggle, let alone a full-out laugh. It is so bad that one can only grin at its stupidity in order to stay awake. This is a shallow and debased rehash of Grumpy Old Men in which old toppies, who have moved on in years, take on two kids to look after while their mother is in the most comfortable jail this side of Sun City. In the process they connect to the teenager that is still living inside them, but also recognize that as adults they have the responsibility to live like grown-ups and show some self-respect. O yes - and don't forget the aging old dog in the movie that represents our two hapless heroes. Now that's taking symbolism to new lows! See it at your own peril. And try to envision a worse comedy about aging ever! Rating: 3/10 Similar Films: Grumpy Old Men and Wild Hogs The Twilight Saga: New Moon (Nu Metro) Starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner Directed by Chris Weitz How lucky can a girl get? Kristen Stewart has the ultimate choice. She is romanced by both a bloodthirsty vampire (who swoons when she cuts her thumb) and a vicious werewolf in whose golden eyes she is often reflected. But what makes her even luckier is the fact that these dudes seldom wear shirts. So the biggest challenge for Bella is to survive the onslaught of their metro sexual beauty and shining six packs! Oh, the problems of being young, dumb, virile and beautiful. All that happens in this sequel to the Twilight phenomenon are dark stares during unrequited romantic interludes and dudes who take off their shirts. Add a dramatic paper cut, jumping off cliffs, transformations into werewolves and an attempted suicide and you have the basic outlines of a plot. If you are addicted to the vampire culture, these fanged creatures come a distant second in this ode to erotic sensuality. This time the film favours the werewolves who challenge Robert Pattinson's melancholy vampire while Kristen Stewart suffers in glamorous Dolby Stereo and soft lenses. Thank goodness this romance is not in 3D, but that may still happen in the near future! To sum up: New Moon is bubble gum for the brain and Viagra for the eyes. Perhaps hunky Taylor Lautner sums it up best when he asks Bella (Kristen Stewart) whether she loves him because he is so beautiful, and promptly removes his shirt in one of the following scenes to prove his point. Now how's that for erotic narcissism? There is even a touch of homo-eroticism in this slow, laboured tale of doomed romance. New Moon is only recommended if you want to stare at beautiful, sad, despondent people for two hours and 10 minutes who love to suffer in darkness, expose their bodies and then suffer some more. If suffering were only this glamorous and titillating in real life... Rating: 5/10 Similar Films: Twilight, The Lost Boys and The Lost Boys 2. Leon van Nierop is one of South Africa's best-known and most respected film critics. He has reviewed films for 34 years for every medium; from television and radio to magazines, newspapers and the Internet. He has lectured on film criticism for 14 years throughout the country and headed the TUT film school in Pretoria for 4 years. He has also written two books on film analysis, the most recent being Movies Made Easy published by van Schaiks. He has also served as judge for several short film and film competitions, is part of the SAFTA jury awarding Golden Horns to the best local film talent, and writes extensively on film for several publications. He also served as professor in film at TUT and also headed that film school for 4 years. He has just completed a stint as presenter, scriptwriter, voice-over artist and co-producer for DEKAT on SABC 3. He has written 23 novels and several TV-series and dramas and is currently working on another novel. He is also a newsreader and continuity presenter for RSG on SABC radio and serves as their major film critic. |
   |
Previous
